"Mercedes Streeter" (smart)
08/22/2018 at 15:54 • Filed to: None
6
35|
"Mercedes Streeter" (smart)
08/22/2018 at 15:54 • Filed to: None | 6
| 35 |
Update: Same buffer image of my TV’s name.
Thanks everyone for the wise words. I’m definitely am going to need more help maintaining emotional stability, however I’ve made a decision as to what I’m going to do if/when it happens: The answer is that she cannot live with me. Abuse aside, my condo is simply too small for us. I wouldn’t even be able to fit a single piece of her furniture and there isn’t even a closet to put her clothes in. It just wouldn’t work...and that’s before we get to my complaints about destroying my happiness.
There is some light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently some survival instinct in her finally kicked in and she’s going to try to fill the empty rooms of her house to fill the rent and sell my dad’s stuff to make up the gaps in the meantime. Good. Maybe I won’t have to deliver the ultimate ultimatum...at least for now.
I’m going to keep this up as record. I’ve been trying my best to keep my family business off my blogs, but this time I just couldn’t. I can’t just bottle this crap up and deal with it myself.
As for my dad, I’m so done . He may also be a victim of sorts, however his actions have always directly hurt me. I used to just forgive him over and over. No more.
Just...thanks again. I have a hard situation coming up soon.
Original post:
Does happiness last forever? It certainly doesn’t seem that way for me. I’m cross posting this because I really don’t know what to do. I know what I want to do, however I’m not sure if it is the right thing.
As widely reported around here, I don’t have a great history with my parents. I’ve been abandoned by my dad so much that I don’t really know who he is. Meanwhile my mum gaslights and manipulates me so much that it has repeatedly driven me to suicide. I’ve found that putting literal distance between my parents and myself has been beneficial. Yet, it seems I’ll never truly escape the dark cloud that follows me.
Whenever my dad abandons the family, I always have to save the day. I’ve singlehandedly saved us from homelessness a number of times. Not my older brother, not my dad, not my mum, but me. The priorities in my life have never been viewed as important. I can’t have children, I can’t have a family (at least not through biological means). And because I want to enjoy my life before hitching myself to children, I don’t even want a family. My goals are a passionate career, an awesome car/motorcycle collection, and a lover to enjoy it all with. Despite all the hell I’ve been through, I’ve done well for myself. But I’m tired of being the saviour.
In the past five years or so, my mum has become increasingly dependent on my dad. Instead of ensuring her independence for the inevitable (my dad leaving again) she decided to throw caution to the wind. Her only income is a business that is impossible to run by herself and she cannot hire people because she cannot pay them.
In the past six months, my dad has also thrown caution to the wind. He’s decided to stop paying all bills and stop working. He recently capped it off by abandoning us again. Unfortunately unlike the last times, my mum didn’t prepare.
Her business is probably not going to last much longer. She’s three months late on everything. Her license is about to be suspended, and she’ll eventually lose her house and her camper.
She’s realizing that she’s going to be losing everything. And guess who has to save the day? That’s right, the girl who got her stuff together for the third time, moved out, and got a tiny 1 bedroom condo. Again, my brother is out of the picture because he has family. But me? Haha my concerns aren’t important because I can’t have a family.
She demanding to move in.
I tried to get my brother on my side, privately telling him that she’s the reason for my suicide attempts. Of course, I can’t even trust him. He ratted me out to my mum and he agrees she has to move in with me. Seriously? This is a tiny condo, at most it was meant for a couple who will sleep in the same bed (and even then it’s cramped, not this). If living in a big house with her makes me suicidal, living in a confined space with her where I have no privacy whatsoever is going to be grrrrreaaaaaat.
She has options. She can get low income housing, she can, you know, get a real job. She can buy time by selling her camper (it’s not like she can use it anyway), she can move in with a friend or family down south. There are options before ruining my life even further than she already has.
Yet, none are being considered. Once again I’m expected to put my life on hold.
If my dad isn’t coming home, I never want to speak to or see him ever again. He’s just as guilty at ruining my life as she is. He knows what he did and what will happen to me. I’ve always been his cheerleader, yet he still burns me.
As for my mum, I really want to tell her that she put herself in this spot and she has to dig herself out of it. I never told her to run a 24 hour call center with herself as the only employee. I never told her to ditch reliable income in favour of a risky business. I want to tell her no, and that if she ends up on the street it’s her fault. She has the luxury of not knowing what depression feels like, I don’t. If I can get my POC trans butt into gainful employment and stop myself from being homeless, she can too.
Yet, I still feel obligated to let her move in. I know what happens if I let her. I know that everything I built for myself will fall. I know that I would probably try to kill myself before the year is out. Nobody in my immediate family apparently cares about me or how I feel. I’m just a breathing bank account and shelter. I’m going to try what I learned in therapy to not make this happen. I can’t even run away this time, the person who makes me hate everything will live in my home. I can’t even reliably ask my brother for help and advice. I’ve never felt so alone...
Biggus Dickus (RevsBro)
> Mercedes Streeter
08/21/2018 at 23:23 |
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Certainly don’t envy your situation. This is going to sound crude/cynic, but if people (no-matter who they are) continue to be directly toxic to your health, you need to separate yourself from them.
At the end of the day, you owe don’t owe her anything. Especially if she treats you like shit. An old teacher and role model of mine was in a somewhat similar situation (abusive and toxic relationship with his parents). H e got himself legally emancipated at 17, joined the Navy and never looked back.
Fair disclosure: I’ve been through my share of mental health problems and dealt with absolutely rampant OCD. I literally became a observer watching myself slowly go borderline-insane over the course of two and half years. Cutting bad influences from my life made a ton of difference.
Just Jeepin'
> Mercedes Streeter
08/21/2018 at 23:26 |
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I’m a terrible role model in this regard, because I’d never be able to follow my advice .
But you need to say no.
As you said, she has other options. Your life may depend on her taking one of those options. It’s pretty simple, even though it’s brutally hard.
PS9
> Mercedes Streeter
08/21/2018 at 23:27 |
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I had something like this happen to me once. Had a garbage aunt that treated me like an inconvenient pet when we lived together as a child. Always talking shit about ‘men like me’ (a 9 year old grown man , lol) and how much better things would be for my mom if I weren’t there. Always one in the chamber from her when it was time to shit on me for whatever reason.
Fast forward to adulthood. One personal disaster I won’t detail here later, she came to the house trying to talk me into moving her in. Just showed the fuck up one night talimbout how ‘theyre so mean to me!’ and how ‘were family’. So we’re family now that you fucking need something from me, huh. Think I moved her in?
HELL FUCKIN NAW
I might have saved the house if I didn't kick her conniving ass to the corner that day. But I don't regret it even a tiny little bit. Bye bitch!
Steve in Manhattan
> Mercedes Streeter
08/21/2018 at 23:33 |
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You can say no.
And forgive me, but the shrunken photo (before I clicked thru) looked like a Cylon base ship.
Chuckles
> Mercedes Streeter
08/21/2018 at 23:33 |
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I’m sorry that you have to deal with this.
First off, do you rent? If so, your lease might not even allow her to move in. I’d resort to that if necessary, but if you let her in now she’ll be there forever. She needs to figure some shit out but she’ll never do that with you as a safety net.
Second, why does your brother get a free pass? Just because he has a family doesn’t mean that he’s exempt from helping.
I hope that you can put your foot down on this.
Spridget
> Mercedes Streeter
08/21/2018 at 23:34 |
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I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but kick her to the curb. You’ve given your family a lot of chances, and they’ve failed every time. It’s not your fault they make bad decisions. If you have to separate entirely, it might be worth it, just for your mental health. You don’t owe them anything; good parents don’t make their kids want to kill themselves. Let her get her life on track on her own. It’s not your fault you’re more of an adult than she (and your dad/brother) is.
Longtime Lurker
> Mercedes Streeter
08/21/2018 at 23:44 |
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Tell them NO do not give her a key do not let her physically in your apartment, if she forces her way in call the police. Your family keeps doing this to you be you keep letting them. Put you health and well being above thier’s.
It will be hard to say NO but your WORTH IT , your STRONG!
Chariotoflove
> Mercedes Streeter
08/21/2018 at 23:58 |
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I have a suspicion that if you refuse to take her in, she will end up living at your brother’s rather than end up homeless. That may be the out you need to gather your courage and refuse, if you decide to do so.
Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 00:03 |
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Hey, whatever you decide, just remember that you have the choice. You don’t owe your parents anything because you are now an adult, and especially because they continue to abuse you for their own gain. They will guilt trip you, again and again. Because they think it works.
You. Can. Say. No.
I’m not saying that’s what you
must
do. But please always remember that you
can
.
TheRealBicycleBuck
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 00:10 |
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I understand your situation. Might I suggest an alternative? If her camper is something she can live in, help her make the payments and get it parked in a mobile home / camper park. That will be a cheap way to help her avoi d being homeless while at the same time keeping her out of your home.
My mom and I lived in a 35' travel trailer for a couple of years while she saved up enough money to get a bigger home. Our trailer was big enough to have a bathroom with a tub and a separate bedroom. Mom got the bedroom, I got the fold-out couch.
With this situation, your brother could help by pitching in to help cover the bills. That would be easier than having her live with either of you.
Wagon Guy drives a Boostang
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 00:13 |
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It’s been said several times here already, but I’ll add to it. You can say NO.
No, you can’t save
her. No she can’t move in. No you don’t have time for their nonsense. She’s obviously a negative factor to your mental health, and that’s more important that family.
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Mercedes Streeter
> TheRealBicycleBuck
08/22/2018 at 00:33 |
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Also a good idea! She owns the camper, though she isn’t paying on the storage. They will eventually take the trailer from her if the payments rack up enough. I'm pretty sure she could easily afford to live out of it and it is essentially a luxury hotel room with wheels. However that's an option she'll never humble herself into taking.
NKato
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 00:45 |
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At this point, I’d just disown the whole family. The shock alone should wake them up.
I know I had to mostly cut out my sister from my life since she couldn't get it together enough to give her autistic son a better upbringing.
Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 01:17 |
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This is an unpopular take, but your mom has been a serious piece of work. You’re not obligated to help her and you can bet what kind of personal
progress you’ll be making with her around: none. The only thing she’s done right in her life was give birth to you, it is not something that be held over your head and used against you. Love is a two-way street. Genetics is overrated.
Valkyrie Girl :Riding into Valhalla all shiny and chrome
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 01:42 |
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I’ve been a long time lurker on your blog but after reading this I felt compelled to give you my two cents even though you may have already answered your own questions , but first a story if you’ll humor me a little . I had a dad who was toxic to my well being, I was his caretaker for 7 years and those 7 years were the worst of my life. Being with him for that time made me depressed, suicidal, I had gained a large amount of weight and I just plain loathed myself. worst of all I opted to take care of him, because my mother had died not too long before, and he started getting progressively worse after she passed , so I felt some obligation for my mothers sake to take care of him. I would clean him, take him to appointments, pay bills, cook and shop for him and all the while he would not let me forget that I was living off his dime. We would often fight, he wanted me to get a job but expected me to still take care of him despite the fact that he was a full time job in himself. I had a shitbox car that often broke or gave me trouble and he refused to help me fix it despite the fact that he was dependent on it getting to and from appointments so I had to find ways to pay for parts other ways. life was hell during those 7 years. shortly before he passed away I finally told him I couldn’t do it anymore and for the first time he understood my side of things. regardless of our relationship, I did love him and he loved me but we did not get along. It was time to think about me and what I wanted, I had taken care of my parents in some way for so long I neglected myself. I chose myself. I am fairly happy now, lost a ton of weight, I have my own apartment, I have my adorable little 500 A barth and best of all I am finally becoming who I want to be. Now you may ask, What’s my point? while yes It’s true that my father passed away before I moved out and I didn’t need to deal with any backlash, I still would have moved out even if he said that he hated me and never wanted to see me again. It’s time to show your mother some tough love and say “ I can’t help you anymore, you need to help yourself” . You have no room for her and she can live in that camper If she’s so desperate . It may sound harsh and she may end up hating you but if she is as toxic to you as you say she is then It’s time to help her find options but declare to her that living with you is not one of them. From the sound of it your mother is very manipulative and will try to use your feelings against you. It’s not going to be easy ( as you well know nothing ever is) but it will help her in the biggest way . I leave you with this: From one woman to another... Choose yourself.
L ooking forward to more posts from you.
JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 01:46 |
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I will second, third, fourth and 8th the suggestions to tell her no f-ing way. My mother is a guilt-trip master, and though she has never needed to try to move in with me (she’s stabile and well taken care of financially) I have felt so much saner since refusing to take her calls for a year or two. We’re even getting along now that that’s six or so years in the past. A friend of ours has taken legal action to gain custody of her two younger half-sisters from her toxic mother who has treated her as bad/worse than yours has... I’m not saying you need to get a restraining order, but there’ s plenty of precedent for sane, adult children telling their toxic parents to pound sand, and you shouldn't feel alone or like you are breaking some unwritten law of "family" by telling her to get real and take off like the hoser she is.
SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 03:17 |
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As others have said...saying and meaning no is the only reasonable option. Some people need to learn to self rescue and they may need to be abandoned to do it. Love them all you like but have the courage and the love to fuck off until they grow up.
beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 03:54 |
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step 1 learn how to do the splits
step 2 power split and
punch your dad in the dick
step 3 power split and
punch your bro in the dick
step 4 power split and punch your mum in the dick
step 5 power split and punch Trump in the dick
E39, K5. Whatever it takes.
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 05:36 |
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Don’t burn out your candle to keep others lit.
pip bip - choose Corrour
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 06:57 |
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stand firm and say no.
shop-teacher
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 06:58 |
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Hold your ground. Your mother is an adult who can take care of herself. You do not owe her anything. Worst case scenario, the people causing you constant strife stop talking to you ... From everything I've heard, that's a win-win for you.
Michael
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 07:16 |
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Also make sure you use your strongest voice when talking with her. You seem to be a strong writer - maybe communicate over e-mail rather than trying to talk on the phone or in person, if she steamrolls conversations with you.
AdverseMartyr
> Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
08/22/2018 at 09:06 |
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Actually, from what I see in the comments, it is a fairly popular take in this instance.
Rude Negro
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 09:10 |
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Not rescuing people is far harder than rescuing them.
However, it's also far more satisfying in the long run.
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Mercedes Streeter
> Michael
08/22/2018 at 10:40 |
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I would love to do that, however in my experience doing anything with her involving tech of any kind only makes things worse.
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Mercedes Streeter
> Biggus Dickus (RevsBro)
08/22/2018 at 11:02 |
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I’ve been told the advice you’ve given me for about three years now. I’m terrified by the idea...I guess to the point where I’d rather hurt myself than do it. I may be angry enough to follow through this time.
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Mercedes Streeter
> Chuckles
08/22/2018 at 11:10 |
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I do rent and she can live in my condo so long as my landlord really doesn’t care so long as the rent is paid.
My brother gets a free pass literally only because he has children to take care of. My deciding to build myself instead of getting immediately saddled with kids means what I care about doesn’t matter. My car collection? I’m selfish for not letting her drive one. My bikes? I’m mentally ill for collecting them. She constantly gripes on me for deciding to transition instead of producing her grandchildren and essentially holds it over my head. I’m infertile. Even if I somehow fell for a cis woman and decided to have children with her, I wouldn’t be able to. This is where she’d tell me that I should not have transitioned. Yeah, I’m again just going to put my life on hold and wait forever for some unicorn relationship with a cis girl to save me and produce her children . Screw that.
When the crap hits the fan, all my brother has to say is no and that’s it. There’s no pushback, no manipulation, no guilt trips. He isn’t expected to be the hero.
But what really grinds my gears is the money. She complains non-stop about my lack of savings, yet in the very next day she’ll ask me for some large sum of money. How do you expect me to have a savings if I’m paying your bills while paying my own bills?
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Chuckles
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 11:59 |
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You don’t owe her a grandchild, even if you were in a relationship that was capable of producing children. There’s no shame in not having kids, and anybody who tries to guilt you into making huge life-altering decisions like becoming a parent can go pound sand.
My girlfriend and I are never having kids, even though we potentially could. We don’t owe anybody an explanation for that.
At your age, you shouldn't be supporting your parents, and they shouldn't want your support. They should be wanting you to grow and develop as a person, but you can't do that while they're dragging you down. Do not let this toxic woman destroy your life.
Teh Penguin of Doom
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 12:00 |
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You've trained her to ask you for unreasonable accommodation and always get it. While her actions aren't morally laudable, they're certainly not surprising. Train a dog to bark for treats and of course she'll bark all day and night. What else did you expect? Start saying no. Right now. And getting the hell away from her. She's an adult and you've got Smarts to drive.
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Biggus Dickus (RevsBro)
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 12:05 |
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I won't take that for an answer. Selfpreservation is #1.
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Mercedes Streeter
> Teh Penguin of Doom
08/22/2018 at 12:47 |
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I think it’s the other way around. She’s trained me to give her whatever unreasonable accommodation she wants through manipulation and the threat of equally unreasonable punishment . I’m not the one gaslighting and manipulating her. Either way, you’re correct. :(
CaptDale - is secretly British
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 13:54 |
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I am sorry , but you should feel no obligation to let her move in. And for your own safety you can not. I understand the deep seed of caring for your family, but it seems like they don’t have that feeling for you and sadly might not ever. I doubt she would be grateful for you helping her again. It will be hard, but she is going to need to hit rock bottom before she realizes what she needs to do to fix her life and probably leave your Dad. Please as a fellow Oppo and someone who cares about your well being, please say no to her and the rest of your “ family” . You need to have your life and if they hinder that then you need to make it so they don’t. Sounds like your brother has a stable life so he can take care of your unstable mother.
Future next gen S2000 owner
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 16:22 |
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Summer never ends in Hawaii. Just saying. It can be good to be hundreds of miles from family.
Lexador
> Mercedes Streeter
08/22/2018 at 22:34 |
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Hey Miss M *waves*
Are you on Reddit? There’s a sub there for problems with mothers in law, https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/ but it's also for mother issues and a lot of the users there have been exactly where you are. It might be worth reaching out, they have a lot of experience there with setting boundaries.
CalzoneGolem
> Mercedes Streeter
08/31/2018 at 12:59 |
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The first no is the hardest but they get easier. Tell her no and stick by it. If you tell her know and then go back on it you’ll cave every time.
I’m sure I’ve told you this but you don’t owe this woman shit just because she gave birth to you.